It’s been about 6 weeks since Jon has moved out. I still miss having someone in the house to come home to but am fine about being on my own.
About a week or two after him moving out he approached his Doctor about his drinking problem. He was referred to an addiction unit but unfortunately they have quite a long waiting list. In the meantime he has been receiving counselling from a Charity. He has described the sessions as very emotional but believes he his making progress.
Towards the beginning of the six weeks he did actually give up drinking for two weeks. I met him to pick Daisy up after he had looked after her for the night. I had never seen him look so healthy and happy. He showed me his hands which were steady for the first time in a long time. I just wanted to spend time with him, we went for lunch and a long walk and I really thought at that point that he had seen sense. He had stopped the vicious cycle and recognised that 90% of all the problems in his life were directly linked to drinking. He put just 10% down to a stressful job. He talked about himself getting better and us moving into a home me and Daisy deserved.
The following weekend was his birthday, he went out with a friend and told me he was home by 9pm. The week after that he went out with a friend to watch a rugby match and said he went home straight after the match.
I was really pleased for him and believed that there could be a chance that he could overcome the alcohol and start living better. I also believed he could maybe control his drinking and not have to give up all together.
Two weeks ago I won a bottle of wine in work, I left it out on the kitchen counter. Jon had looked after Daisy during the day and when I got back home from work half the bottle was gone. I kicked myself for leaving it out but I just didn’t think.
That weekend I went to saw Jon’s house for the first time. I was shocked to see 6-8 bin bags full of empty cans in the front garden. He tried to put it down to his housemate, he also tried to say it was a months worth. Even if they might not have all been his, I could see he had started drinking heavily again. I asked him about it and he went into the kitchen and opened a can of lager. He said how dissapointed he was in his self, but had had to try and see if he could control his drinking rather than giving it up all together.
He said he had found trying to control it far harder than giving it up altogether so would give that another try very soon. He didn’t want to go back to his bad nerves and poor health again.
Last week he messaged me and said that he had found the weekends hardest, he blamed boredom for slipping back into drinking. I suggested that he come for a jog with me on the Saturday. Needless to say this didn’t happen and he got in touch in the afternoon to say he was a fuck up. Since he has gone I have tried to be neutral and not comment on his drinking at all. I have tried to be supportive whenever he talks of giving up, but don’t want to get drawn in too much.
I want to believe that he can do it, but its totally down to him. It’s hard knowing that this isn’t anything I can do to help. Even if I knew he could do it, it’s also hard not knowing what the future holds for us or when there could be a future. Could we ever get back together, would it be worth all the stress?
I bumped into an old work colleague at lunch yesterday. She asked about Jon and I told her briefly what had happened. I’ve met her Partner and he and Jon get on like a house on fire. She told me that her Partner had the same problem. This problem was evident since the beginning of their relationship but she had chosen to ignore it. She said that every issue and argument during their relationship came back to his drinking problem.
She advised me to think very carefully before letting him back into my life. She said there isn’t anything she can do now after 20 years and children together. She hinted that if she could go back she wouldn’t be so keen to go through it all again. I don’t want to be her, I don’t want regrets like that.
I suppose I’ll have to wait and see. There isn’t anyone else at the moment and I don’t know where to even start with doing anything about that. She asked me wasn’t there anyone nice at work I could hook up with? Even if there was…how the hell do you hook up?